And here are some more treats:
Hi there,I am Ryan. I dig your profile,you seem like a nice woman. We should talk if ya like.
-From OregonRyan
I know our match is only at 10%, friends at 0% but I'm looking at the positive side that apparently we're not at all expected to be enemies yet ;) haha. So how are you?
-From JmixS
Damn babe you are sexy
-From Portland-05
im new to this on line thing and new to the area so here it goes. Hello my name is Don. I am 37 5'11" tall 215 lbs and athletic and very active. I love the outdoors and love to be inside too and sit watch a movie and cuddle or whatever. my e-mail is [edited for privacy]. Also if you would like to text or talk my number is [edited for privacy] and i am living in indepedance right now. Let me know if interested either way please. Thanks Don
-From dwyno12
Maybe they should read this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annals/9-steps-to-the-perfect-online-dating-message
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
A Late-Summer Night's Self-Esteem Boost
Back by popular demand, here are some of the fun messages I've received online:
If I was police officer and you were my customer. I would invite you for dinner and special evening. You be center of my attention and focus. Since your pictures and profile on here "shines and stands out"!
-From atlanticpuffin03
Do you have any interest in being friends until you find someone to date?
-From riginalrhythm
How are you? My name is Frank and I want to talk some if your not busy.
-From lifes-tooshort
And all of these are from RIPtoTupac:
hi r u bored
how u been
hey sup i got a better pic on my profile that aint all blurry thats eazier ta see just sayin
And my favorite one from him: hi how are you just curious why you wont message me if its because of how i type i could type like this is that better
If I was police officer and you were my customer. I would invite you for dinner and special evening. You be center of my attention and focus. Since your pictures and profile on here "shines and stands out"!
-From atlanticpuffin03
Do you have any interest in being friends until you find someone to date?
-From riginalrhythm
How are you? My name is Frank and I want to talk some if your not busy.
-From lifes-tooshort
And all of these are from RIPtoTupac:
hi r u bored
how u been
hey sup i got a better pic on my profile that aint all blurry thats eazier ta see just sayin
And my favorite one from him: hi how are you just curious why you wont message me if its because of how i type i could type like this is that better
The Apprehensive Cougar
Imagine this:
You are in the checkout line at a grocery store. You notice a couple other similarly-aged men in the line next to you. One of them makes a comment about your [insert regional sports team]'s apparel, and you smile demurely and say something in response. You think nothing of the encounter, until you are about a block and half away from the store on your bicycle and you hear a "Hey! Hey!" It is the man from the store, and he approaches you and politely asks for you number. You give it to him, and he suggests the two of you get coffee sometime. Lovely, right?
Well, it is quite lovely when you have a goal of 3 dates in 3 months.
And then he mentions that he graduated in the spring from the institution you now work at. As in, you are minimally FOUR years older than him. And you think, "Well, this is the first red flag..."
Yes, I confess that I did go out to coffee with this young buck. I'm sure you're thinking that this type of age gap is my right up my alley, so why am I complaining? And usually, you would be right. But I generally reserve my cougar-esque crushes to young men who I have some sort of rapport with, or who look like Zac Efron, not strangers I've met in Safeway.
But I digress, back to the gentleman this post is really about...let me just give you some highlights of our coffee conversation:
Sure enough, he texted later that day and said that he enjoyed our time together and thanked me for not macing him (?). I painfully refrained from any text back, too afraid that I would somehow end up in a short-term relationship with someone I didn't want to be with.
All was quiet on the western front, and I was relieved he saw my silence as a nice way of opting out of future interactions. Until I got this gem of a text message a week later: "Hey, I apologize for my absence, my grandmother has been rather ill and so I've been up in Seattle all week spending time with her. You're a pretty cool lady, but I will be honest, I'll be very busy these upcoming weeks, and so I can't promise anything. Perhaps when I come back to [my city] on occasion i'll give you a call, and we can hang out. But I'm not going to promise anything else."
(Readers, please remember that this was a text message received after I made no attempt to contact him, nor did I even reciprocate a response of mutual enjoyment of our coffee and conversation.)
There were a multitude of responses I thought of sending (e.g. "Dude, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night" or "Yeah, I'll be pretty busy for the next year, but maybe when you retire I'll give you a call and we can hang out"). But since I'm a mature woman who is unfazed by the delusional tendencies of recently graduated and seemingly insecure young men, I decided to give him the courtesy of my silence instead of sharp wit.
You are in the checkout line at a grocery store. You notice a couple other similarly-aged men in the line next to you. One of them makes a comment about your [insert regional sports team]'s apparel, and you smile demurely and say something in response. You think nothing of the encounter, until you are about a block and half away from the store on your bicycle and you hear a "Hey! Hey!" It is the man from the store, and he approaches you and politely asks for you number. You give it to him, and he suggests the two of you get coffee sometime. Lovely, right?
Well, it is quite lovely when you have a goal of 3 dates in 3 months.
And then he mentions that he graduated in the spring from the institution you now work at. As in, you are minimally FOUR years older than him. And you think, "Well, this is the first red flag..."
Yes, I confess that I did go out to coffee with this young buck. I'm sure you're thinking that this type of age gap is my right up my alley, so why am I complaining? And usually, you would be right. But I generally reserve my cougar-esque crushes to young men who I have some sort of rapport with, or who look like Zac Efron, not strangers I've met in Safeway.
But I digress, back to the gentleman this post is really about...let me just give you some highlights of our coffee conversation:
- He offered to take me for a ride on his motorcycle. I politely declined. If it was Hugh Jackman asking, yes. If it was a 22-year-old who resembled Hugh Jackman in any way asking, yes. But it wasn't, so no.
- With bright eyes and determination, he talked of his plans for world domination using some sort of battery that could hold a charge and power an entire city. Yes! This sounds like a highly legitimate plan!
- His current career plans take him to a city about an hour north, where he will be living a Spartan lifestyle with five of his closest friends. And they will be starting an online marketing business that will be so successful, he can retire in a year! A year!
- He mentioned that he will be having shoulder surgery in two months that will temporarily impair his mobility, but not to worry--"it's not for a while, so you won't have to feed me pizza or anything the next time we see each other." Good. I was worried.
- After retirement, he plans to build a boat (with his bare hands!) that has a piano on it (yes! a piano!), and he will sail around the Mediterranean for the rest of his life, playing music, writing poems and authoring novels! You know...living life! Meeting people!
Sure enough, he texted later that day and said that he enjoyed our time together and thanked me for not macing him (?). I painfully refrained from any text back, too afraid that I would somehow end up in a short-term relationship with someone I didn't want to be with.
All was quiet on the western front, and I was relieved he saw my silence as a nice way of opting out of future interactions. Until I got this gem of a text message a week later: "Hey, I apologize for my absence, my grandmother has been rather ill and so I've been up in Seattle all week spending time with her. You're a pretty cool lady, but I will be honest, I'll be very busy these upcoming weeks, and so I can't promise anything. Perhaps when I come back to [my city] on occasion i'll give you a call, and we can hang out. But I'm not going to promise anything else."
(Readers, please remember that this was a text message received after I made no attempt to contact him, nor did I even reciprocate a response of mutual enjoyment of our coffee and conversation.)
There were a multitude of responses I thought of sending (e.g. "Dude, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night" or "Yeah, I'll be pretty busy for the next year, but maybe when you retire I'll give you a call and we can hang out"). But since I'm a mature woman who is unfazed by the delusional tendencies of recently graduated and seemingly insecure young men, I decided to give him the courtesy of my silence instead of sharp wit.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A Midsummer Night's Self-Esteem Boost
Chalk another one up in the win column...there's nothing like getting a message from username "RIPtotupac" that says:
hey sup i waz lookin at profilez on here n i saw yourz n its pretty koo so yea hi
This is not a joke.
This is hilarious.
This is time to open the nearest wine bottle.
Or better yet, just start taking shots.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Hazel Goes Online
Fair and faithful readers, I know it's been a while since an update. The unfortunate truth is that I'm still hooked on schoolboys (take that as you will). In my efforts to not base my life choices off of the rich possibility for cradle-robbing and sugar mama jokes (of which I have developed a particular deftness), I have done what everyone said I should do.
Yes.
Finally.
The Crushologist has forayed into the fascinating and titillating world of...online dating.
Take note, this blog is about to get much more exciting!
It all started...well, I'm not really sure when. Because when my girlfriends were over and I had a couple glasses of wine and they convinced me to start a profile, I already had one set up. And the only thing my profile had on it was my profile picture...a shirtless man holding a trash bag and a caption that read, "I may be a feminist, but I will make my husband take out the garbage." I was slightly embarrassed at that point. Whenever that happened, it must have been a rough night of watching a lot of 30 Rock and listening to Kelly Clarkson on repeat.
I then added a couple of more recent pictures of myself, and decided to leave the rest of my profile blank for now. When I went back to check my account a couple of days later, I realized that people can send you messages on sites like this! Incredible! I had a couple in my inbox...and some had been there for months. Apparently the feminist pic wasn't that much of a turnoff for some men, one guy even offered to take out the recycling, too!
Mostly, I get the idea that there are a lot of douchebags on the site. But now I can use this blog to ridicule and humiliate them!
*Blogger Note: Since I am moving to a new metropolis in a couple weeks, I am trying to keep a low profile on the site (e.g. no personal info, and no messages back to prospective dates), so the action will likely get a lot hotter (and probably doucheier) once I have settled in and live in the same zip code that I profess to live in now...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)