Summer Breezes and Calm Waters

After such a whirlwind of activity, there has been a much-appreciated quiet on the home front. I went out of town for a few days, which included a text to McBride canceling our dinner plans. His obsessive texting was just too much for me...

When I told some of my girlfriends back home about my recent dating ventures and the 33-year-old texting fiend, they all said, "Oh, waaay too old." What can I say? They know my taste in men!

And this whole Coug Bait endeavor is progressing nicely, though I can only see it ending badly. He is incredibly busy these days, so it's my absolute DREAM quasi-relationship, because I don't see him at all (or worry about others seeing us), but we text a little bit every day. So I have enough time to peruse online prospects, check out the local farmers markets for bearded beauties, and attend summer weddings as a single lady, all while having my self-esteem boosted daily and gaining motivation to improve my dateability factor (you know, cooking with fresh vegetables instead of eating pizza all the time...). I mean, this is pretty much how I look while texting him:

Unfortunately, I fear the day when he has much more free time on his hands and wants to hangout more...

Too many irons in the fire!

Things are not letting up, my friends! Here are the most recent updates:

Sarge: Sent me a nice check-in text message. He was very polite and not overbearing--I told him that I was going to be out of town, and he wished me well on my trip.

Tracker: Sent me a Facebook friend request. I'm feeling very "Aunt Linda":

McBride: I left this out in my date debrief, but I actually told him that my ideal relationship is with someone who lives 1-2 hours away, so I wouldn't have to see him all the time. And what does he do? Incessantly texts! Tooooooo much! I also told him that I'm not a big commitment person, and that I lie, I'm selfish and I'm immature. Given the age bracket he's likely dating, I think he wants to lock this one up, since I don't have kids...I am now dreading our dinner date. Shoulda slowed your roll, McBride!

Coug Bait: Still giving me grief because he's just so darn cute! But it's nice to text someone who doesn't pester and is actually thoughtful and funny. Even if he's doing so from his mother's living room...

In other news, a former colleague is about to set me up with his very attractive (and born in the same decade as Coug Bait) roommate. 

The floodwaters keep rising!

Thank goodness I'm going to be out of town for a few days to get a break from all this drama, but until then, here's the update!

Date 6: Remember Tracker? I gave him and his bad jeans another chance, and we met up at a state park over the weekend. It was a lovely outing--we learned some of the historical background of the geographical area, met some authentic-looking fur trappers (complete with flint-started fires and beaver traps), had lunch and played disc golf. It was something that would be enjoyed with a friend...but the chemistry just wasn't there.

And please keep this a secret, but I might have snuck off to use the restroom in order to text that darn 22-year-old...

As we were saying goodbye, he asked if I would like to hangout again. *Siiiiiiigh.* I paused, thought about it, and said reluctantly, "Hmm..possibly." I then went on to say that I was going to be out of town for the next few weekends, and I'm hoping he got the hint, but he mentioned trying to call or text in a few weeks, so we'll see.

Date 7: After becoming incredibly frustrated with his superbly poor texting etiquette (his only reasonable excuse is that he's 33, so maybe he just doesn't get technology like the young'uns do?), I made plans with another online prospect. I met for drinks downtown with "McBride" (a country music reference, not that he is a serial husband), and I would say that it was a relatively successful venture. There were things about him that I liked, but he does like heavy metal music, so...

Anyway, I must have made a good enough impression, because we're having dinner together on Wednesday. I don't really see things going very far, but I'M TRYING, AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS, DAMMIT!

And in other news, Coug Bait is out of town, but giving me enough of a hook via text (no, not like that!) that I bought Mamma Mia! and have to watch the "Does Your Mother Know" scene over and over just to cope...

It's raining men!! Hallelujah?

When it rains it pours, and though it's sunny outside, my dating life is at flood levels*! Sit back my friends, and let me tell you a tale of three...maybe even four dates in the same number of days!

Date 1: This date was with a man I met on through an online dating site, I'll call him "Sarge". This was quite historic, as it was the first time I had ever actually met up with someone who had messaged me online. We met over dessert at a nice, hipster (is that an oxymoron?) coffee shop. And though we had good conversation, nothing too remarkable--good or bad, happened.

Due to my fear of being the evening news after having coffee with a stranger I met online and who I was sure would abduct me, I actually had my entire Lifetime movie cast: Rashida Jones would play me, Zac Efron would play the young detective who cracks the case and finds the kidnapped me/Rashida Jones, and Rob Lowe would play the senior detective who takes Zac under his wing and shows him the ropes. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch that movie!

At the end of the date, Sarge asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, and that he had something in his car for me. As we approached his car, images of a staying-strong-but-reaching-a-breaking-point Rashida and a guns-blazing-yes-both-firearms-and-human-arms Zac flashed through my mind. But it turns out he had bought me flowers. So sweet!

We don't have any future plans set, but we texted a bit since our date, so it's not out of the question.

Date 2: I went over to my sister's friend's house to have dinner with her, her husband and a young, single gentleman who I'll refer to as "Tracker". He had a bit of a doe-eyed look about him, and his jeans, quite frankly, were awful. But I told myself that love at first sight isn't for everyone, and that I should at least give him a chance. After all, I'm not gettin' any younger!

We exchanged numbers, and he called me the other night to makes plans for the weekend. Or so I thought...

Before we got to that part of the conversation, he's asking me about where I grew up, the size of my high school, my transition to my new job, etc. See picture below:

I ended up making up an excuse about bowling with colleagues to get off the phone, but we'll be going on a hike on Saturday. I figure I just have to hangout with him once, and then avoid his calls. Because I'm an adult!

"Date" 3, and maybe "4": And you have just arrived at Complication Station, folks! I went out to get drinks with a recent graduate, who we'll call "Coug Bait". You decide if he's recently graduated from college or grad school...

YOU ARE CORRECT! (Think about it, which answer would leave you at Complication Station?)

And we had a wonderful time. We had great conversation and laughs, and it felt more like a date than the previous two I had been on.

The next evening, he invited me to a movie, and again, we had a great time. And if I could feign naïveté about his interest in me the previous evening, he sent a couple non-cryptic text messages after he dropped me off. Nothing aggressive, rude or inappropriate, just fairly straightforward. Straightforward, like I would hope all men would be... 

The complication in this scenario is the small circles in which we both run. But I just want to do a Liz Lemon and say, "You know what? I don't spend a lot of time worrying about his feelings. I just know he's super cute and he laughs at all my jokes."


Le Sigh. More schoolboy cookies and rain boots, please!

*Editor's Note: This is what happens when you don't go on a date for nine months, and any date becomes incredibly overwhelming.

An Early Autumn's Night Self-Esteem Boost

And here are some more treats:

Hi there,I am Ryan. I dig your profile,you seem like a nice woman. We should talk if ya like.

-From OregonRyan

I know our match is only at 10%, friends at 0% but I'm looking at the positive side that apparently we're not at all expected to be enemies yet ;) haha. So how are you?

-From JmixS

Damn babe you are sexy

-From Portland-05

im new to this on line thing and new to the area so here it goes. Hello my name is Don. I am 37 5'11" tall 215 lbs and athletic and very active. I love the outdoors and love to be inside too and sit watch a movie and cuddle or whatever. my e-mail is [edited for privacy]. Also if you would like to text or talk my number is [edited for privacy] and i am living in indepedance right now. Let me know if interested either way please. Thanks Don

-From dwyno12

Maybe they should read this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annals/9-steps-to-the-perfect-online-dating-message

A Late-Summer Night's Self-Esteem Boost

Back by popular demand, here are some of the fun messages I've received online:

If I was police officer and you were my customer. I would invite you for dinner and special evening. You be center of my attention and focus. Since your pictures and profile on here "shines and stands out"! 

-From atlanticpuffin03

Do you have any interest in being friends until you find someone to date?

-From riginalrhythm

How are you? My name is Frank and I want to talk some if your not busy.

-From lifes-tooshort


And all of these are from RIPtoTupac:

hi r u bored

how u been

hey sup i got a better pic on my profile that aint all blurry thats eazier ta see just sayin

And my favorite one from him: hi how are you just curious why you wont message me if its because of how i type i could type like this is that better

The Apprehensive Cougar

Imagine this:

You are in the checkout line at a grocery store. You notice a couple other similarly-aged men in the line next to you. One of them makes a comment about your [insert regional sports team]'s apparel, and you smile demurely and say something in response. You think nothing of the encounter, until you are about a block and half away from the store on your bicycle and you hear a "Hey! Hey!" It is the man from the store, and he approaches you and politely asks for you number. You give it to him, and he suggests the two of you get coffee sometime. Lovely, right?

Well, it is quite lovely when you have a goal of 3 dates in 3 months.

And then he mentions that he graduated in the spring from the institution you now work at. As in, you are minimally FOUR years older than him. And you think, "Well, this is the first red flag..."

Yes, I confess that I did go out to coffee with this young buck. I'm sure you're thinking that this type of age gap is my right up my alley, so why am I complaining? And usually, you would be right. But I generally reserve my cougar-esque crushes to young men who I have some sort of rapport with, or who look like Zac Efron, not strangers I've met in Safeway.

But I digress, back to the gentleman this post is really about...let me just give you some highlights of our coffee conversation:

• He offered to take me for a ride on his motorcycle. I politely declined. If it was Hugh Jackman asking, yes. If it was a 22-year-old who resembled Hugh Jackman in any way asking, yes. But it wasn't, so no.
• With bright eyes and determination, he talked of his plans for world domination using some sort of battery that could hold a charge and power an entire city. Yes! This sounds like a highly legitimate plan!
• His current career plans take him to a city about an hour north, where he will be living a Spartan lifestyle with five of his closest friends. And they will be starting an online marketing business that will be so successful, he can retire in a year! A year! 
• He mentioned that he will be having shoulder surgery in two months that will temporarily impair his mobility, but not to worry--"it's not for a while, so you won't have to feed me pizza or anything the next time we see each other." Good. I was worried.
• After retirement, he plans to build a boat (with his bare hands!) that has a piano on it (yes! a piano!), and he will sail around the Mediterranean for the rest of his life, playing music, writing poems and authoring novels! You know...living life! Meeting people!  

I decided that my best course of action after our conversation was to ignore any communication he sent my way. I know, not the mature thing to do, but I just felt that politeness would be misread as romantic interest.

Sure enough, he texted later that day and said that he enjoyed our time together and thanked me for not macing him (?). I painfully refrained from any text back, too afraid that I would somehow end up in a short-term relationship with someone I didn't want to be with.

All was quiet on the western front, and I was relieved he saw my silence as a nice way of opting out of future interactions. Until I got this gem of a text message a week later: "Hey, I apologize for my absence, my grandmother has been rather ill and so I've been up in Seattle all week spending time with her. You're a pretty cool lady, but I will be honest, I'll be very busy these upcoming weeks, and so I can't promise anything. Perhaps when I come back to [my city] on occasion i'll give you a call, and we can hang out. But I'm not going to promise anything else."

(Readers, please remember that this was a text message received after I made no attempt to contact him, nor did I even reciprocate a response of mutual enjoyment of our coffee and conversation.)

There were a multitude of responses I thought of sending (e.g. "Dude, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night" or "Yeah, I'll be pretty busy for the next year, but maybe when you retire I'll give you a call and we can hang out"). But since I'm a mature woman who is unfazed by the delusional tendencies of recently graduated and seemingly insecure young men, I decided to give him the courtesy of my silence instead of sharp wit.